I don’t know if you have ever studied the languages of love, but I highly recommend it.  I found out that my main language of love is acts of service.  Why does this matter to you?  Well, it might not. However, I had an epiphany when I realized that I feel loved, valued, cared about, when my husband does little things like check the air in my tires, vacuum, and do homework with the kids so that it’s done when I get home from work.  I also show love with acts of service which is why I get such a kick out of doing random acts of kindness. 

Is it any wonder that I struggle with my weight when I am so on-task that I forget to show myself love?  I start buying lunch instead of preparing it for myself.  I eat processed foods instead of fruits and vegetables for snacks.  I stop taking time for bubble baths and exercise.  My acts of service to me are an expression of self-love.  It is easy to say no to temptation when I feel good and it is easy to feel good when I feel loved. 

My point is, if you struggle with self-sabotage you may not be giving yourself what you need to feel loved, valued, important, etc… Maybe take a few minutes and review the languages of love and see what yours is; it may be that you are not feeding your soul what it really craves. 


PS One of my acts of service is baking and cooking wholesome food for myself.  When I don’t do this for myself I am essentially telling myself I am not important. 

Here is my favorite banana bread recipe (it is gluten free and extremely low sugar)

4 eggs

5 over-ripe bananas (seriously, don’t throw out the all brown strong smelling bananas. This is the secret to the awesome flavor)

1/4 C coconut sugar

1/2 C ground dates

1/4 C stevia

2/3 C unsweetened apple sauce

1 teaspoon Vanilla

1 C brown rice flour

1 C oat flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 C chopped walnuts (optional)

1/3 C melted coconut oil

Preheat oven to 350. Beat eggs lightly then add mashed bananas, stevia, ground dates, coconut sugar, applesauce and vanilla. (I use a food processor) mix in dry ingredients.  Fold in melted coconut oil and walnuts last.  Pour bread batter into 2 greased loaf pans. Bake 50 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean.  Remove from oven and place on cooling racks for about 10 minutes and then turn the loaves out of pans onto the racks to finish cooling.

Enjoy the wholesome yumminess!!

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Getting back in the saddle

The most frightening thing anybody has said to me in a long time: “I’d follow you off a cliff”. Still makes me sick to my stomach to recall those words and everything they mean. What if I don’t know where I’m going or I take a wrong turn? What if I let you down? What if my worry for those who trust me is merely a reflection of my lack of trust in myself? Whoop, there it is! And of course I have proven myself right by breaking my commitment to living my best life. I have not been challenging myself or honoring who I am.

This post is about incorporating accountability back into my daily life. I am picking myself up and getting after it again. I have a big goal to be a size 12 by the end of summer and in the best physical condition of my adult life. My natural body type is long, lean, and strong. I have a million reasons and excuses not to keep my word to me and a really big reason to keep it: because I am worth it. I deserve the feeling of having a strong body. I love making time for me to feel the self-discipline of pushing the exercise and eating healthy food. I will be feeling great soon because I know how to achieve this result. Now to pony up and get to it!

See you next week.

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Trying to figure it out

I have been absent from my own blog for a while now.  In the time I’ve been gone I was pregnant, at age 45, discovered I’m anemic, then miscarried.  The miscarriage nearly cost me my life because of the anemia.  Then things spiraled out of control. 

First let me just say the pregnancy was unplanned.  I go skinny dipping ONE TIME – enough said. Second, I did not really believe in depression.  I just thought depression was a sadness that lingered because people chose to wallow in their sorrows.  HA! Consider me bitch slapped right properly by The Universe.  I discovered depression is real because I experienced it.  Between my thyroid sluggishness and also the hormonal imbalance as a result of the miscarriage, and my heart break of watching the little life inside me grow – then grow slower – then the heart beat slowing down every visit - I experienced post-partum depression.  It turns out a woman does not have to give birth to have post partum depression. 

I felt heavy, like I was moving through syrup with cement shoes wearing a lead suit.  I was exhausted but not able to sleep well.  Never had I experienced irritability like I felt – I’m not normally short tempered yet I came close to losing my temper many times over trivial stuff.  And I cried.  A lot.  Me – the self-proclaimed non-crier.  I couldn’t think about what was wrong without misting up.  I tried to talk to a friend about it and couldn’t talk because I kept crying.  I felt foggy headed and dazed, not sad.  I puzzled over the crying because it seemed to come from nowhere, with no warning.  My friend told me that I didn’t seem to be myself and perhaps I should consider that I was suffering from depression.  I remember feeling embarrassed and stupid that I didn’t see it. I googled it and discovered the list of symptoms accurately summarized what I felt.  

I did the unthinkable.  I talked to my husband about it and leaned heavily on him for support.  I trusted him and accepted his opinions and advice.  Then I went to the health food store and did some research and started my own homeopathic regime of supplements.  I made myself be active even though it felt like punishment and the payoff of feeling good afterward no longer existed for me. 

I still have not completely regained my spark nor have I lost the weight I gained during the pregnancy and depression.  I am excited to report that this lone ranger has decided to take advice from others and have an appointment to see an internal medicine physician.  I am making a come back because I have had the experience of living in joy.  I remember how awesome and alive I used to feel and I want to again be on my own top priority list.  Please send me white light and well wishes as I find my own wellness center again.  I will keep you posted and share my results.  Thank you so much.  Namaste`      


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All answers are within

All answers are within

I have been struggling with old patterns fighting to emerge. Intellectually I get that my programs, or deep seated beliefs, are fighting for their very lives in the effort to protect me from my fear and anxiety. I feel like I am on the verge of having everything I want and my dreams are rushing toward me from the next horizon. It seems like my intuition is excited for what is coming and my primal fear is pacing, waiting to protect me from the unknown. I did some soul searching and discovered that my book is not progressing because I am afraid to be completely honest. You see, there is a part of me that believes I must control what others think. I don’t want people to think me incredible; I am no more special than you. Also, there is the pressure of letting you down when I make mistakes. Then I remember I am incredible, and strong, and amazing, and… so are you. I especially don’t want people to think I am crazy, or ‘out there’. There is still a need to grasp for ‘normal’ – whatever that is anyway. Perhaps this is that old approval seeking program. What I know for sure is, this is my year to figure it out and move past it. I do not know exactly what will surface or how I will move past this BS (remember BS is belief system), I just know with certainty that I AM. And so it is, because I am settling for nothing less. I have allowed myself to be in limbo because being so close to success is uncomfortable. I reflect on other leaders who had the courage to be unconventional and am in awe at their courage, authenticity, and certainty for what they believed and intended to change. My mission in life is to be a healer, author, and creator. I have known it since I was 12 years old. It is time for me to stop with the complacency and get moving again. I am committed to taking action NOW.

Today I found a note I wrote to myself a couple of years ago when I was staffing a personal growth class. It reads: “I forgive myself continually for: being human and making careless mistakes with my word, my priorities, and self-care. I know I have value and am loveable and am instantly back in agreement with myself the very second I acknowledge the misalignment. I love myself even though I am not perfect. I forgive myself for misalignment. I honor myself for continually focusing on alignment.” The timing could not be more appropriate. I claim this promise to me and I urge you to do the same. Tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity to pay attention and practice focusing on the gap between external stimuli and my response. What could you do to be urgent about moving toward your dreams? I am asking you to join me in pushing past fear and casting aside doubt. I am taking a single step now. Namaste`

PS It is possible I wrote down in that note what the facilitator of that class said and it is not really my own note. I want mention it just in case those are not my own original thoughts.

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Self care Sunday anyone?

Be sure to take care

Be sure to take care

I heard a friend refer to her Sundays as “Self-care Sundays”. This is how she maintains balance and makes sure to take time for self-care in her busy life coaching and supporting others to their best life. I like the idea of keeping balance in my schedule and I do much better taking care of others when I take care of me, so I decided to give it a whirl. It turns out I was already doing something like that because I have done my best to take a detox bath and a lengthy meditation on Sundays, but I was not really committed to making it happen and continued to put myself last on my list.

I have been tired, procrastinating, out of balance in my schedule, focused on task, grumpy in my relationships, over-whelmed with work and school, yadda yadda yadda… Anyway, this year is sure to be a tough one if I don’t change my mode of operation. I played a 90 day coaching game where I made four big life changing goals and with the support of my team, worked a grueling schedule for all 90 days. The thing is, I knew it was only gong to last 90 days. This year has been challenging and I am entering the second set of 90 days. Good news? I am already in week 4 of this set. Bad news? I still have 8 weeks to go and then will be entering another 12 week cycle, followed by another. I do not have a team to play with and must learn to build my team from my inner circle. I am actually learning to ask for support, let go of control, and question my perfectionistic streak.

I have in the past defended my right to beat myself up because I said wanting to be better kept me striving to be my best. I am led to question this justification now because of the stress I cause myself by never accepting my own best. Oh Universe, what funny ways I am led to experience learning. You mean I have to learn to be ok with not being perfect in order to come closer to perfection? I have to surrender to the fact that I am not wonder woman? I must learn to accept me as I am??? I know this intellectually and now I get to practice some more. I did this to myself, so I must want to learn it in a whole new way.

I have learned in the last few weeks to make peace with re-negotiating my word to a commitment I made. I have learned to accept tardiness on school work is in fact a viable solution that reduces my stress. I have accepted the fact that not keeping a high GPA is not only ok, but not probable at this point. I have surrendered to the fact that self-care Sunday is going to be known as Shave-your-legs-Sunday for a while. My non-profit is being directed by my VP, my husband is cooking most dinners, my discipline level is improving, and my stress is significantly lower. The world is not crashing to a halt because I have decided to test these unknown waters. In fact, I have been amazed by the love and support around me. It has always been there, I have just been very busy proving I didn’t need it. I hope you learn from my story and make a change for yourself. Namaste`

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Could it be?

it's coming together

it’s coming together

Where to begin? I have been exercising daily again and am starting to feel like myself. For a while there I felt over-whelmed, stressed, and unmotivated. I think after my knee injury, and then re-injury, I just fell into a sort of depression. I did not realize it at the time. The clutter piles multiplied and got bigger. My desire for chocolate and coffee were at an all time high. Feeling like I could never do all the tasks expected of me left me lacking a certain zest for life that I normally feel. It is frightening to think that I was oblivious to what was happening.

I did not see how important exercise is for well-being until I am looking back at the past 14 weeks. I never knew I could experience depression and not know it. I am not certain if exercise itself changes body and brain chemistry and therefore is the remedy, or if carving the time out of my day to spend time taking care of me is the cure, but either way I am much better these days. Don’t get me wrong, I do not love being on the elliptical or working the circuit, but what lights me up is the sensation that comes over me after I finish. I love that ‘I-am-such-a-fit-bad-ass-mo-fo’ feeling.

I suggest that taking action to correct anything we are not happy about is the key to lighting up our lives. I believe making little choices that we do not feel good about can stack up and weigh us down. Perhaps this is why people gain weight, comfort seek by way of food, or become depressed. Maybe I am a genius or maybe I am just a woman who spends too much time puzzling out life and working constantly to improve my attitude. Maybe I am just a fallible human being willing to be imperfect in the public eye so that I may be a light for someone having similar struggles.

What will you do today to stoke your inner fire? Will you take time to eat wholesome food? Will you actually leave work for your lunch break? How about taking the time for 30 minutes of activity that serves you? What about making an effort to tell someone you love/appreciate them? There are so many ways to feel good it’s a wonder we don’t feel amazing all the time. LOL Spend today making yourself feel awesome and I bet you will accidently pass it on to others by just being present. Let’s do this! Namaste`

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Random Acts of Kindness

Just me

Just me

I know it isn’t true that I am the only mom that feels tired of the constant stream of ‘no’, ‘don’t do that’, and promises of consequences that I feel tired of enforcing. It does feel that way though. I want to have fun with my kids and be the kind of mom that they enjoy hanging out with, but I am not even sure this drill sergeant version of me is fun for ME to be around. This inner conflict is wearing me down and causing a lack of integrity within me.

Remember? Integrity means to be whole unto thyself. So this division within me is causing me to doubt myself and be out of integrity. I feel over-whelmed and exhausted even as I type this. The good news? I see it. As I type the clarity is coming through and I am beginning to understand why I have not been taking good care of me: I cannot be out of integrity in only one part of my life. I am whole unto myself or I am not. This is not 50 shades of gray here; integrity really is a black or white issue.

This self-doubt I have with my parenting abilities is nothing more than evidence I do not trust myself. The fact that I feel completely inadequate at times is nothing more than my own belief that I am not enough. My need to be the perfect mom is only another way to beat myself up for not being perfect. None of these underlying beliefs are strangers to me, but this manifestation of them is new.

There are ripple effects from letting these deep beliefs run me. I have not been exercising, or sleeping well, or drinking enough water, or taking good care of me. I have not been kind to myself. The worst part is that I know that I know my lack of care for myself shows up in my parenting. My girls will not take any better care of themselves than I take of me. My glass will remain empty until I take the time to refill it; in the mean time, what am I really serving? My daughters are not getting the best from me and it is because I have allowed myself to be lazy with my thoughts and actions.

The bright side? It is a new day today and I get to begin again. Balance and integrity are mine for the taking; I only need step up to the plate and give it all I’ve got. Today is a whole new day and a fresh start. I am going to the gym today. I am skipping that afternoon coffee and having tea instead. I may even take a bubble bath tonight.

What are you willing to do for yourself today? How do you treat yourself? Are you taking care of you? Sometimes fitness can look like taking care of your inner you. What is that you need from you today? Please take time to give yourself an act of kindness. Your children will notice and your soul will be grateful. Namaste`

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FREE Recipe for Cauliflower pizza YUM!

Cauliflower pizza

Cauliflower pizza

Ok, I have heard about the magnificent cauliflower pizza but I had to try it myself. I tweaked the recipe a bit and came out with what you see pictured. Even the kids ate it. It was deeeeeee-lish! The first time I made it I did not use enough herbs and seasonings so it smelled like cauliflower. Still tasted good but it was obviously ‘healthy’ pizza. Then I made cheesy breadsticks with it and used broccoflower instead and it was yummy but smelled even worse, you know, like broccoli. Anyway, this is the final recipe for the picture you see.

Here is the recipe:
1 head of cauliflower riced (rice it raw, do not cook it)
1 to 2 teas basil or a several fresh leaves if you have it
1 teas oregano or several fresh leaves if you have it
1 to 2 teas parsley or several fresh leaves if you have it
1 teas salt
1 or 2 cloves of garlic (I love garlic and used 4 cloves when I make the cheesy breadsticks)
1/2 C. cheese (mozzarella works good or mix mozz and parm to save fat)
2 eggs (or 4 to 5 egg whites)
Use a food processor to rice your cauliflower and then add your other ingredients. The pizza ‘dough’ will look and feel grainy and weird, but press it into a pan anyway. I used a cookie sheet with edges and put parchment paper in the bottom. Bake at 350 for 25 minutes then turn the heat up to 400 and bake for another 10 minutes. Remove and top the crust with your favorite toppings. I used 2% mozzarella and turkey pepperoni, but next time I am using turkey sausage, peppers, onions, mushrooms… go crazy. After you have sauced and topped your pizza crust put it back in the oven and broil until cheese melts. Don’t walk away from your oven for this part. It goes really fast – like maybe 5 minutes tops. Removed from oven and use the parchment paper to put your pizza on a cooling rack. Cut, serve, and enjoy! Stays good in the fridge for several days and microwaves easy on the left overs. (This makes a huge pizza)

Leave me comments and let me know how you liked it. This is not only a great way to enjoy a healthy pizza but it is far more economical than buying pizza. 2 heads of cauliflower would probably make 2 large pizzas and a batch of cheesy breadsticks. I look forward to hearing from you.

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and I am back

Breaking Free

Breaking Free

Hi there! I am back. First things first, I did not make my goal of weighing 180lbs by my birthday. I was discouraged and stressed and allowed old patterns to take over. My response to the stress is rarely effective because when time gets short I automatically cut out my personal time in favor of squeezing in more task. I can handle some stress, but based on results I am not rising to the stress of being a mom, working full time, going to school double time, blogging, and spending time on myself exercising, meditating, and making healthy food. Oh, and I don’t want to fail to mention that I have been bullshitting myself with justifications and excuses to continue to stay on task and put myself on hold.

I have kept myself from getting my goal by not exercising and not taking the time to prepare my food as I know I should. I have been snacking to stay awake instead of sleeping. I have been drinking extra coffee instead of staying hydrated. I have been on hiatus from myself and ignored my relationship with me for almost two months. I feel tired and it is time to kick myself in the ass and get moving again. I have already shifted several times from beating myself up over the lost time into looking forward with action instead. No time like the present to do something different.

Today I joined the lady’s gym and took the time to make myself a bomb vegetable and lean protein breakfast. I am going to spend some time in a meditative state while I clean my floors, then I am going to make some baked oatmeal and super healthy cookies followed by a long detox bath where I will meditate properly. I recognize this place I have been wallowing because I have been out of balance. I am good at being a tasky drill-sergeant but I am unhappy when I go there. I do not like living in the masculine energy and it is even more evident now. I don’t even feel pretty right now because of my choices. I took this week off work and plan on spending time getting back into exercising, which incidentally is my favorite ‘me time’.

The long and the short of it is I have been sending myself the message that I am not as important as all the things on my list. I have been ignoring relationship in favor of task and the loving woman that I am feels neglected. I did this to me. On the bright side, I can do something different too; and so I choose to shift now. I remember feeling good. I crave that feeling again. I am unstoppable because I always get what I focus on, now its time to focus on taking care of myself. I have done this before and I will do it again. Namaste`

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The Scoop

What is true is also liberating

What is true is also liberating

Ok, after my two week challenge ended on 4-15-13 I weighed myself and found I did not lose 5% of my body weight. This is not an intro into surprise news that I lost more either; I failed my own challenge. Well, fail may sound worse than I feel about it because I did gain value from the experience.

What did not work: Injesting salt, snacking after dinner, not planning my two weeks better such that I would not be on my cycle for the ending weigh-in, re-injuring my knee on my first day exercising, pushing myself to exercise in the wind knowing full well that I was risking an allergy attack – which happened and led to asthma, sinusitus, ear infection, antibiotics… blah blah blah. I am sure that I was not completely surrendered to my committment when I look at this list of ‘what did not work’.

What did work: Getting re-acquainted with nutritional eating plan of fruit/vegi+protein at every mean and snack and eating two servings of whole grain (not corn or wheat) a day, trying new combo meals like greek yogurt with blueberries and chia seed, being open to paying attention to innefective habits and then changing them, preparing my meals for the week on Sunday and packaging them into single serving size and freezing them, not eating after dinner most nights, drinking eight or more servings of water or herbal tea, getting lots of rest, and staying focused on doing what I could despite my physical challenges. The goal did not change. I did not quit.

I ended up weighing 185.2 pounds. I lost 4.8 lbs in two weeks. Considering that my exercise was limited that is better than I thought it would be when I got on the scale. Some of my size 16 pants are getting too big. I am very close to my big goal of weighing 180 and being a size 14 by my birthday next month. I have not been a size 14 since I was in 9th or 10th grade.

I am not thrilled that I failed my challenge and more than that I got to see what I create when I do not believe in myself. I created injury, illness, and failure by doubting my ability to meet that goal. I could justify my failure or be indignant with my verifiable excuses but the truth is I CREATED MY EXPERIENCE. Me. I got to be right that losing 5% of my body weight is not possible. If you know me then you know where this is leading… Of course I am going to do the two week challenge again. And this time I am goind to do all I can to prove BS wrong because I am powerful and can create anything I set my mind to. Just look at my last creation. I had my mind set to failure and Ba-BLAM! so it was.

Who is ready to pony up and try again? This chick! Let’s do this!

120 Calories never tasted so good!

120 Calories never tasted so good!

Free Recipe!
Oatmeal Pancake
1/2 C. light buttermilk
1/2 C. Oatflour (ground uncooked oats)
1 slightly whipped egg white
1 t. vanilla
1 pkt stevia
1/2 t. baking soda
1/4 t. salt

beat egg, add buttermilk and stir. Add all the rest of the ingredients and stir well. Let mix rest while you heat up your pan. I lightly brushed coconut oil for the pan but you can use non-stick spray. Once pan is hot use 1/3 cup scoops for pancakes. cook as usual. Makes 4 pancakes at aprox. 70 calories each. You can add fruit, sugar free chocolate chips, nuts, whatever – just be sure you add the calories. PS I used Stevia to sweeten the pancake so less topping is required. I like sugar free syrup but not the calories or chemicals so I use minimal amounts.

Fruit topping
5 strawberries
1/4 C. blue berries
1/4 C. raspberries
put in bowl and chop roughly and add 1/2 pkt of stevia and 1 teaspoon of sugar free maple syrup. Let rest while you cook the pancake. 50 calories, I used it to top 1 pancake but this can easily top 2 pancakes. SO YUMMY and healthy.

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